Editorial: The Kübler-Ross Model and You

Posted on Thursday, July 02, 2009 by Kristian Serrano

This article was inspired by a forum post in a thread about The Dice of Life.

I am really digging this blog, but it is totally depressing me. Half of the articles are about why as you grow up you must eventually experience the slow death of your gaming life as your social life is rent into itty bitty pieces and sacrificed to your kids and spouse. The other half is about all the tools that can prolong this slow death by playing your rpgs through various networking media.

I choose option #2!

I had hoped that our blog didn't really seem this gloomy (please, tell us if it does), especially with the slow death hyperbole, but I realized it was actually a reflective reaction parallel to the Anger stage of the Kübler-Ross model. Resentment towards kids and spouse over a diminished gaming lifestyle obviously is not a healthy approach. As a more formal response, this article talks about these five stages of grief and how recognizing them might help you cope more easily with the changes to your gaming lifestyle.

Let's start with the gratuitous Wikipedia quote:

The Kübler-Ross model... describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss.

Obviously, a diminished gaming lifestyle isn't as bad as death. Still, these emotions can come up in lesser situations to lesser degrees. In fact, there are professionals specialized in change management specifically to prevent, or at least lessen, the anxiety and emotions invoked by change in business environments.

So, according to Wikipedia, experiencing a diminished gaming lifestyle should look something like this:

  1. Denial: I should still be able to run my campaign every week. I have lunch breaks and time after the family goes to bed to prep for the next session.
  2. Anger: This sucks! I spent all this money on all this gaming material that I never even got to use! Where does all my time go anyway?
  3. Bargaining: Maybe if I just scale back how involved the campaign is. I'll use less NPCs and simpler monsters. I've got Monster Manuals I-III. Maybe I should buy Monster Manuals IV and V; there's gotta be something in those that I can just pick up and use. Or maybe I can just run a game once a month and play in another campaign on some other week?
  4. Depression: I'm never gonna use these books again. They're just taking up space. I might as well sell them. Ugh...
  5. Acceptance: OK, so I'm not gaming as much as I'd like to, and that's fine. Frost said it best: "Nothing gold can stay." I at least get to game on occasion, and I can take up less time-consuming endeavors like writing or starting my own blog.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Coping with changes in life, both positive and negative, can induce a transitioning through one or more of these stages of emotions, and it's perfectly normal. The objective is to recognize them as they happen so that you are able to keep a rational perspective as best as possible and understand that acceptance will eventually come.

We already have mentioned in several articles and comments throughout this blog how we were saddened by members of our gaming groups eventually having to leave and considering online play every so often to continue gaming with them (denial and bargaining), or about how we lamented over our unused library of RPG supplements and considered selling them (depression). In some cases, we found ourselves becoming angry with a hobby that required more time for preparation than playtime yielded by that work, time that could and should have been spent with family or on home projects. These are evident examples of our dealings with one or more of these emotions. In all cases, we eventually accepted the circumstances and found new outlooks to our situations.

In summary, if you find yourself facing a similar situation or are currently experiencing these emotions becuase of such changes, let yourself feel those emotions, but keep in mind the inevitable stage of acceptance. In any case, you'll find the solution that fits you, and it is our hope that we are able to provide you with the resources you need to help you find that solution.

What are some of your own experiences with the The Kübler-Ross model?

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7 comment(s):

  1. Heh, I kept me 3e books around for a television stand but they almost went in the hopper. Good job, Kris.
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  2. Yeah, dark thoughts can consume you during those times. :)

    The only book I thought about destroying was the 3.0 Psionics Handbook, which I had purchased 4 months prior to the release of the 3.5 Expanded Psionics Handbook, but my the ExPHB kept me calm.

    Thinking about it some more, the Kübler-Ross model could apply to edition changes as well.
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  3. Very true. I still haven't made it past the Anger phase for 4e. :-)
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  4. I'll have to go find the original comment but the writer of: "slow death of your gaming life as your social life is rent into itty bitty pieces and sacrificed to your kids and spouse."
    has some growing up that only time and experience will bring. That's not a slam, it's the experience of 3 decades talking. The reality is you try to hold on to those friends and imaginative exercises that make your personal happiness so special and unique.
    The "recorder" of our old group did comic sketches of our adventures and alot of personal commentary. He's scanning in 30+ years of sketches and he's looking back with great amazement. Mostly: "THANK GOD I'M NOT THAT SAME PERSON". As members of our group, we laugh and point but the same is true for all of us.

    Instead of meeting for beer at the VFW post every Saturday and playing bingo, we're gamers. It has to change or you become the stereotypical guy still living at home, under-employed, and constantly trying to relive someting that happened 20 years ago. Once you've realized that you can have the fun(spouse, kids, and gaming), friends, and imagination (my spouse loves a recounting of the funny bits) that makes life so much more enjoyable (see Declaration of Independence: Pursuit of Happiness - it's almost July 4th).

    Find the best in what technology can offer. I keep in tough with the "old gang" from 2,000 miles away. The humor, imaginative thinking, and friendships are a gift I can enjoy whenever we get online, and it's took the last decade for the internet/tools to make it so easy...and RPTrolls willingness to do ALOT of work so I could click a button and play a game again with him.
    dmb aka "The Duck" to the old gang
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  5. Hey this is the writer of that there quoted comment (Heyes). Yeah, I imagine I have some growing up to do, part of the human condition I suppose.
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  6. Very good head on take on the diminishing of game time. I would guess that this applies to any hobby when you transition to marriage. Golfing, hunting, fishing, etc. We are just gamers instead. It is just a hobby. I doubt we feel stronger about our recreation than say, an avid golfer.

    It is about priorities and investment. You married your spouse because you love them. Selflessly giving yourself to your family is not an expense, it is an investment. At least I look at it that way. My wife does not play RP games, but she does like other games such as Settlers of Catan and Carcassone. Of course she also enjoys her fill of Romantic comedies and Jane Austin as well. I find that if I make sure that her emotional tank is full, i.e., I spend time with her doing things that she likes, then she is happy to have me "hang out with the boys" occasionally in an all day gaming session. Sounds alot like "fishing trip", "day at the golf course", "poker night." You name it!

    On top of that I have also gotten my kids involved. We have five!! Them plus their friends makes an instant RP group almost anytime I want.
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  7. It seems like we share similar sentiments except I don't have five kids. :P

    I agree, though. In regards to my dropping away from gaming because of my daughter and lack of free time, I had a friend tell me "I just don't want you dropping everything fun in your life because of the new arrival."

    At first I was taken aback. The new arrival was something I regarded as fun to begin with. Secondly, I wasn't getting rid of gaming altogether, just indefinitely until I found a way to make it work again. Thirdly, dropping gaming doesn't mean I'd drop EVERYTHING that's fun in my life.

    Essentially, my outlook changed. I had new priorities. I saw my newly extended family as a hobby in itself.
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